church, me and food

[kayre]

I'm lactose intolerant. It's pretty much a joke in our culture now, but I really am, and quite severely, plus I get a couple of extra reactions as a bonus. Even a small dose of milk means 6 to 12 hours of diarrhea and stinky farts, another day or two of feeling achy and uncomfortable, patches of eczema that last a few days. LactAid pills help; they most definitely don't prevent reaction.

Churches love food. Coffee hour with sweet baked treats. Refreshments at almost every gathering, ranging from more sweet goodies to pizza. Potluck suppers. Catered suppers-- spaghetti, lasagna, even turkey dinners.

If I don't tell folks (and maybe if I do, see below), my choices are: eat and get sick; don't eat anything; bring my own food; or skip the event. Oddly, anything but the first will upset some folk. Abstaining or bringing my own food leads to people being hurt that I won't try their offerings, or even accusing me of 'trying to make them feel guilty.' And as a church staffer, skipping food events can be a professional problem as well as a social sadness.

From the church point of view? It's a bother to accommodate food issues. There are at least four of us who are lactose intolerant to some degree; two vegetarians; two people with celiac disease who are only occasional attenders; one minor nut allergy (but not to the point of violent reaction); and, unknown to most, at least one recovering alcoholic. Folks who can and do eat anything and everything seem to find it overwhelming to contemplate feeding those of us with food issues. Mostly the reactions I see are thinly veiled irritation.

What could be done? First and easiest would just be to LABEL everything. Put out a card with the name of the dish on one side, and ingredients on the other (or I don't know/made from mix). Next-- actually talk to us and ask what works? I am absolutely happy to suggest possibilities, substitutions, or modifications that aren't burdensome; after all, I do them daily. Considering varying needs early in the planning is especially helpful-- salad bar rather than tossed and dressed salad, please!

But the bottom line... is that I am often reminded that I'm not worth the trouble of feeding me. (Not only at church, but honestly, it's the worst.) Me being lactose intolerant is inconvenient for other people. Sorry, not terribly sympathetic to that point of view.

Comments

[amaebi]

Just feeling for you, from here. :/

[gingicat]

I'm so sorry. I truly don't understand why people are so averse to even labeling things, but it happens nearly everywhere. None of the adults in our household being food to public gatherings without labels.

[kshandra]

I'd go double-barrel TMI on them, frankly. "Those cheese enchiladas with extra sour cream look gorgeous, Claire, but if I eat even half of one I'll spend the rest of the night in the bathroom, and you'll all be 'sitting in my pew' at service tomorrow." Make it abundantly clear that they are asking you to make yourself - and a significant number of the people around you - miserable because they can't be bothered.

I probably wouldn't be above passive-aggressively bringing pretty tent cards and handing them to people as they put their contributions on the potluck table, either. (That might get more traction if you talk to the other folks with dietary concerns and get all of THEM to fill out ingredient cards first - peer pressure for the win, or something.)

[ranunculus]

I'm sort of with you on this reaction. I'm allergic to molds, which is really really hard for people to understand. I'm not sure I'd be quiet as aggressive as you say, but I don't apologize for my allergies or, at this point, feel bad about having them.

I wonder if it would be worth involving the pastor in this issue, perhaps asking for a sermon that encourages people to accept each other just the way they are. Some people are missing a leg, some can't eat dairy, or gluten or whatever. Everyone has something their brain can't do, and something their brain does well: sense of direction, aptitude for math or art or... Each person is due respect for the way their body and/or brain doesn't work and how it does.

[kyrielle]

Ugh. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I tend to avoid food things or speak up for myself. I really don't mind if they don't bring anything I can eat, but in that case they shouldn't get mad that I don't eat what they brought, for goodness' sake!

I kinda wish I were near you. The things I bring to potlucks would probably suit well. (The celiac folks, maybe not - I need to avoid wheat but not gluten, and mild cross-contamination isn't a problem, so there'd be some risk there. But anything I make that I might eat is going to be lactose-free, probably gluten-free and certainly so if I know there are others who would benefit from it, and have no tree nuts - and if I'm taking it to a potluck, I'll skip peanuts because those are just a problem for too many people.)

It's...not really very hard, actually.

[malinaldarose]

I haven't been to a church dinner in decades, but I've been to SCA feasts, and it seems to be pretty standard practice to label the offerings at the lunch buffet. Maybe you could point out that other organizations manage not to poison their members. (Maybe you could somehow frame it as poisoning? Because it really is. And I get the politics of the whole thing, but jeez.)

[sine_nomine]

I am so sorry to hear you are fighting these issues. There are so many better ways to solve this -- including labeling. But also being mindful of differing needs (my sweetheart makes it a point of bringing a protein-containing vegan option to every potluck which ensures that pretty much anyone can eat it, especially as SH doesn't do the major nut substitutions that many vegan foods do) is so very important.

And oh do I hear you! Major Non-Profit seems to think the best way to serve lots of people is pizza (which eliminates the lactose intolerant, the gluten-free folks, the people who can't eat tomatoes, and so on and so forth) and donuts are the way to cheer everyone up. You would think they would get the hint when 2 dozen donuts are enough to feed an office of 60, right?

I am so grateful for your comment about "But the bottom line... is that I am often reminded that I'm not worth the trouble of feeding me" because I will use that at work (srsly no one would bring in a meal that only contains pork and shellfish! and yet they are doing the equivalent when they bring in pizza and tossed greens as the alternative).... though I am not happy that you are in the position of having to say it.

(There is one wonderful person at work who would leave stuff in the kitchen with notes like "allergens: Wheat, dairy; made in a home that has nuts." I have no idea who that was but the kindness was amazing)

I keep thinking about "Everyone deserves a place at God's Table" and wonder if it can be extended to "Everyone deserves a place at God's Table and at ours.... here's how we make it possible to ensure that all are welcome" and hand out cards with title of dish and space for the ingredients on the same side (there is never enough time or hands to pick up cards, read them, put them down on a buffet line ime).

(though, knowing you, you may have already come up with that.)

Much empathy!

[mortuus]

Uncool! And this really isn't even a very difficult thing to accommodate with minor effort.

One example: One member of my congregation is married to a Muslim, who comes to some of our church activities. A year ago we had sausages for an Octoberfest party, and the congregation ensured there were non-pork options with him in mind (though others also preferred those). It was a very easy accommodation (grab a package of chicken sausage; cook in separate crockpot). And the different items on the table were labeled with the little tent cards. I appreciate little things like this because it says we are looking out for one another, exactly what a church family should be doing.

[veyska]

A decade or two ago difficulty in getting "legal" supplies would be a legitimate excuse, but speaking from second-hand experience it's crazy easy to make lactose-free stuff these days now... Does require actually *thinking* to do so ahead of time, which is unfortunately the hard part.

[kayre]

Hi there! Yes, you're pretty much an expert! I'd settle for information, at this point. Are those little orange shreds carrots or cheese? Is the creamy dressing mayonnaise or sour cream? Right now I get sent on scavenger hunts to figure out who made each dish and then find them to ask about ingredients.

[silkensteel]

I was trying to think... Observant synagogues are easy,as a kosher kitchen keeps meat and dairy strictly separate. Having pre-printed cards with "allergen" check-offs (peanut; soy; dairy; tree nuts; wheat; gluten; etc) would make it easy for people who don't want to write out an ingredient list. There will be mistakes ("I didn't know Graham crackers were wheat, aren't they made with Graham flour?"- this really happened in my life) but will increase awareness with less bad feelings to get in the way.

[cellio]

Ugh. That's appallingly tone-deaf in any established community, but especially a religious community! And you're not asking them to cook differently, just to label! Sheesh. Or just segregate -- my synagogue has a table designated for gluten-free food after services each week, for example.

I saw an approach to labeling at an SCA event (pot-luck) that's easy and mitigates against the "writing out a card is too much trouble" complaint -- color-coded stickers. (This is the same idea as the pre-printed cards with checkboxes, but might be easier as you don't need to custom-print anything.) When people show up with their food they're asked to write at least the name of the dish (in case cards get moved accidentally) and their own name on the card and apply the correct stickers -- contains meat, contains gluten, contains dairy, contains nuts. Ideally people write the ingredients, but at least you get the ingredient warnings, and if you have questions you can find out whom to ask. Do you think that approach would work in your church?

[mooseloon]

I'm really sorry to hear this. :::hugs:::